You may have heard me talk about the difference between saying your vows and living your vows. Lately I have been noticing the huge gap between the two and how often, living vows seems to be hard to access some days. So, today I’m talking about what has helped me build a bridge to living vows so that I can embody those vows more readily and with less effort over time. 

Don’t be fooled, I don’t do these perfectly, and even when I do, sometimes shit still hits the fan. However, I’ve noticed that overtime these practices have helped me get to a place where I can live out my vows without so much inner-resistance. It has made that place inside me where I can put my husband, his relational needs, or what would be best for the relationship before my own wants, more accessible. Think of these practices as building a bridge. Instead of taking GREAT effort to get to the better side of me, these practices have made it much easier to traverse across my desires, and meet the needs of the man in front of me. 

A Lovemap: Daily Check-Ins

This concept was coined by the great John Gottman, the world’s leading psychologist and researcher on what makes marriages work. The idea is that you have a good lay of the land of your spouse’s life. You know the restaurants they eat at when they break for lunch, you know their favorite co-worker’s name, and their least favorite. You know their daily struggles, and what is exciting them today. A lovemap can use constant updating, filling in, and detail. It doesn’t stay the same forever, just like your spouse doesn’t stay the same forever. 

Our check-ins happen sometime after work. They’re not always sacred, and they don’t always end well, but they generally happen every day and for the most part, they do end well! There’s no special formula, we just sit on the couch, pause the tv, and ask each other, “how was your day?” That’s it! Over time, the colors in our lovemap have begun to come to life.

Mind Management: Perception Is Reality

This is a fairly new concept for me and while I don’t know a lot, I do know that I am generally more satisfied with the state of my relationship when I am practicing mind management and that, in turn, helps me live out my vows with less internal struggle.

Here’s what I mean by “mind management.” All of us have thousands of thoughts a day. Dr. Caroline Leaf, neuroscientist and author of books like “Switch On Your Brain,” and “Cleaning Up The Mental Mess” says that we can’t go three seconds without having a thought. But not all of those thoughts are helpful. In fact, some of them are toxic and can interfere in our lives because we perceive them to be true. Managing my thoughts and my mind have helped me uproot those toxic thoughts, and reframe them into healthy thoughts that have a positive impact on how I approach life, relationships, work, etc…

I use the Neurocycle app (created by Dr. Caroline Leaf), which walks me through the process of uprooting those toxic thoughts and planting healthy thoughts in their place. It has had a HUGE impact on me and I would recommend that app to everyone who feels the sometimes crippling weight of anxiety, depression, and worry. It has helped me know what to do when I am angry, or anxious, or hurt and don’t know how to deal with those emotions. 

Silence and Solitude: Breathwork and Emotional Regulation

I saved this one for last because it has been, perhaps, the most important for me. Silence and Solitude has not only transformed my relationship with the Lord, but it has transformed me. When I am spending time with God in the silence, I can finally hear Him. I’m getting my need for identity met, I have a safe space, I know I’m loved, and the stresses of the day get put into perspective. This has also really helped me with visualization. I know that sounds so woo woo, but it’s easier to hold my tongue and not say something I don’t want to when I can visualize the Lamb of God in the room with me. If I believe that the Spirit of God truly dwells in me, and is present with me, then visualizing helps remind me of that reality.

I usually start my time of silence with breathwork that helps regulate my nervous system. That’s usually 3 seconds in and 7 seconds out. Longer exhales than inhales is the key. A simple prayer like, “Here I am Lord” is my anchor phrase, so every time I notice I’ve drifted out of the moment, I repeat that phrase to come back to the present. It is like meditating, only for me, my aim is an encounter with the living God. I usually add a small devotional from Pete Scazzero’s “The Daily Office”, or sometimes I begin with an audio devotional from Lectio365.

Silence and solitude has helped me practice awareness of my thoughts, and staying in the present moment, and most importantly, I think, helped give me perspective while transforming me more into the image of Christ (we’re not there yet, folks, we’ve got a looong ways to go).

I Want To Hear From You

These are just a few things that have really helped me get to a place where I can show up and be the spouse and partner I want to be. I’m curious, what helps you? Leave a comment below with one or two of the things that helps you live your vows! As always, me, myself, and I want to know!

Xo,

Jess