If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know there is a huge difference between saying your vows and living them. I can stand up in front of friends and family in a beautiful dress at a beautiful party, where nothing is wrong and everyone’s there for a good time, and promise that I’ll gladly be by your side in sickness and in health. But if your spouse is suffering from chronic symptoms and won’t change the lifestyle choices that got them there, your happy attitude often has a habit of disappearing. You can say for richer or for poorer, but when your spouse’s online shopping habits are the reason y’all are for poorer, suddenly, those vows that seemed so black and white on the day you were married can get a little gray.

“Living vows”, as I like to call them, are the way we embody our vows in our everyday life. Somedays that’s easy, and some days that’s hard. Some days the stress of life, work, family of origin, hormones, outside circumstances and the like make living vows hard to access. Sometimes we’ve got 15% left in the tank and we just don’t have what we need to show up well. But other times, it’s not so much life, but the dynamic in our relationships that make living vows difficult to uphold. 

In his book, “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John Gottman, renowned relationship expert and psychologist specializing in couples therapy and research, specifies four toxic traits or dynamics that hinder intimacy and actively erode relationships. He calls them the four horsemen of the apocalypse and they are as follows:

Criticism

Have you ever said something like, “you never” or, “you always” during an argument? How about “you’re so…?” These are critical statements that focus on the person as defective rather than focusing on a certain behavior or complaint. Criticism eats away at the bonds between people and you can imagine why. If you’re “defective” there’s no hope of change, there’s no way things can get better, it’s a losing game. Thus, living vows appear to be pointless, and we stop trying.

Contempt

You know those talking heads on all our news channels who talk about the other side like they’re idiots? That’s contempt. Contempt comes from a place of superiority, it manifests itself as mocking, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or dismissive gestures. Contempt means you’re never on the same level. It is the epitome of disrespect because the other person is “beneath” you. Intimacy requires being on the same proverbial level. You can never be intimate with someone you look down on.

Defensiveness

Perhaps the easiest to spot, defensiveness claps back. It avoids taking responsibility for your actions, it counterattacks, it makes excuses and shifts blame, it escalates conflicts and prevents effective solutions. It’s like those toys in the early 2000s that were basically ziplock bags filled with sparkly water that always slipped out of your hands. It doesn’t give you any ground to build a solution on, and so problems remain with no resolution and no accountability.

Stonewalling

Maybe the most hurtful of them all, stonewalling is emotionally checking out. It can include physically leaving, but often it’s the silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, and signals disinterest, disconnection, and a lack of willingness to engage. It’s like the person is there, but you can’t get them to talk, to care, to look at you, to want to be connected. This happens when people feel like all they’re doing is making things worse so they withdraw, but the more they withdraw, the more their partner tries to engage them and the more they withdraw further. It’s a brutal cycle for everyone involved.

Don’t Do What I Did

When we were having a difficult time disagreeing in a way that led to resolution, I used to read blogs just like this and diagnose my spouse. I used to point to things and say, “Yes! He does that!” and I would try to bring all these things to his attention so he could fix them and we could learn to disagree in a way that actually brought us closer together in the end. 

Spoiler alert: that doesn’t work.

It made me feel powerless, because I could bring him all these “warning, this will kill your marriage and you’ll end up alone” blog posts, but I couldn’t make him read them, I couldn’t make him stop being defensive, I couldn’t stop WORRYING after reading all the advice blogs because suddenly I was aware of all these problems and didn’t have a solution to fix any of them.  

Do This Instead

Start with noticing. I’m not talking about noticing when your spouse is being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling. I’m talking about noticing when YOU are doing those things. Once you begin to notice when you are engaging with the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, then you will actually be able to do something about it.

This is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt

I’ve heard it said that you become like the top 5 people you spend the most time with. So, if you become less critical, less contemptuous, less defensive, and you stonewall less, your spouse will likely follow suit. Dr. Henry Cloud said it best when he said that dysfunction cannot survive with a healthy person. You can’t fight dirty with a healthy person, they’ll never get in the mud with you. The healthier you get, the harder it will be for these four horsemen to stick around. Just like a flame without oxygen dies, these four horsemen cannot survive with a partner who remains healthy in their midst. 

Imagine maintaining respect for somebody when they’re mocking you. Imagine staying on topic, when someone tries to shift the blame on you. Imagine acknowledging that a critical comment hurt you, instead of trying to get back at them. Imagine, getting soft again so that the stonewaller knows it’s safe to come back. 

The healthier you get, the harder it is for the four horsemen to stick around. 

I want to hear from you

Are you familiar with John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse? Do you see yourself in any of these obstacles? As always, me, myself and I want to know! Leave a comment below if you’ve had experience with overcoming these challenges and what has worked for you!

Xo,

Jess